(This is Part 2 in my Perfect Christmas series. Part 1 can be found here. This series was inspired by Mikaella Clements’ Guide to Missing Australian Christmas.)
The big day looms before you. Are you cuddled up by the fire in your comfy festive jumper sipping eggnog and listening to cherubic child choirs?
Of course not. You’re sweaty and freaking out, like me. Your house is a shambles and you’re pretty sure the bushfire danger rating has never been higher. How in the world are you going to get everything organised before your in-laws show up?
Well, I’m here to help. Just read these fifteen tips for a Pinterest-worthy Christmas and it’s sure to be a hit.
- Buy gifts for your family and friends. If you are a child, a great cook, an okay artist and/or broke, make them instead. Hide them haphazardly. Shriek in panic when a family member goes looking for something, for fear they will discover the presents and ruin the surprise.
- SHIT. You forgot your present for Aunty Diane in the extended-family Kris Kringle. What the hell does Aunty Diane even like? Quick – the local market is on today. Walk to the footy oval and shoulder your way through plodding hordes of sweaty tourists to the… crystal necklace stall? Okay, you can work with this. Pick the colour Aunty Di wears the most. Hope for the best.
- Sneak off to wrap your family’s presents. And by that, I mean gather wrapping paper and scissors, and announce that you are going to your room for TIME ALONE, DON’T COME INTO MY ROOM, I WILL BE NUDE.
- See how well you can hide the true shape of your present by wrapping it as badly as possible.
- Forgot to wrap a present? It’s too large and you can’t be bothered? Find a sarong or large scarf to loosely fold around the gift for an ‘environmental alternative’ to traditional wrapping (example pictured above).
- When you’re done, make yourself the centre of attention as you place your presents under the tree, while loudly condemning anybody who watches you. ‘Nobody look!’ is a perfect attention-grabber/deflector.
- Immediately take the gifts back to your room to stop your dogs from eating them.
- Can you relax yet? No way. Mow the lawn, mop the floor, extract any local wildlife from the house, scrub the dunny, bathe the dogs and vacuum the pool. For bonus stress, make sure at least three family members are working minimum-wage jobs until midnight.
- Get in a festive mood during your chores by turning on the Christian radio channel. Painfully earnest ‘cool’ versions of popular carols will be playing. Sing along. The least-tuneful family member should be the loudest.
- Set out pillowcases for each other. None of you have believed in Father Christmas for years, but you will suffer for failing to comply.
- Plan your outfit. Everyone will be taking photos tomorrow. You will have your mouth full or your eyes closed in most of them, but your clothes should be decent. Besides, if you’re single and looking, one of your cousins might bring a hot friend.
- Watch The Vicar of Dibley on Channel Seven-Mate for the sixth year in a row. You must. It is TRADITION. If The Vicar of Dibley isn’t on, sit around and reminisce about it instead.
- Hardly sleep. What the heck? You’re not a child anymore. Blame it on the moon.
- Wake hours early on Christmas morning. Sit on the stairs and wait for everyone to wake up. Pat and baby-talk to the dogs just a little bit louder than necessary. It’s a big day. You might as well get everyone started early.
- PREEEEEEEEESSSSSSEEEEEEENNNNTTTTSSSSSSSSSS. Go nuts. Fling them at your siblings. Gather those received to your chest like Gollum. If Christmas isn’t about presents, why did the three wise kings cross North Africa to shower gifts on Jesus? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
What is Christmas Eve like at your house? Tell me in the comments!